Ass Rolls

There are a great many times that I am SO glad there are no witnesses to certain moments of my life. One such moment happened just minutes ago when I found myself giggling hysterically alone in the kitchen. I baked some bread for a girls dinner later tonight and decided to get creative and put the dough in muffin pans and wouldn`t you know it...the end result are rolls that look like perfectly shaped little asses. Mmmmm...we`ll all be ass munchin` tonight!

Hello? Is There Anyone Still Out There?

So here.s a first for me...this entry`s coming to you from my new phone. Will wonders never cease? If there are still any faithful readers out there. I thank you and apologize for not keeping you updated. If there are not then fuck you anyway, go on with your empty lives and find someone else to live vicariously through!

If this actually posts, there will be plenty more to follow so stay tuned...

I Wish...

I wish I had a cigarette...for some reason I've decided to quit smoking. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but 36 hours later I think I might have been out of my gourd because I'm currently going out of my gourd.

I wish I wasn't so cranky right now...but I really wish I had a cigarette and I don't and I'm trying so very hard not to go buy some because...oh yeah, I evidently don't smoke as of 36 hours ago...Double-Dumbass on me.

I wish I had more money...but I don't because I may have acted a little bit irrationally and quit all my jobs and then was out of work for 2 weeks because I had my appendix removed.

I wish I had Vicoden instead of Percocet...because Vicoden has a more calming effect on me, though the Percs actually dull the pain of my missing piece.

I wish it was April 15th already...because then I could buy 1 Big Mac and get the 2nd Big Mac for only 1 penny.

I wish I had a Friendly's Ice Cream Sunday with peanut butter and extra extra extra almonds...because the Oreo Cookie frappe I just made didn't cut it.

I wish I could run into some pirates...then I could justifiably blow someone's fucking head off!

I wish I was a hippopotamus...then I could go swimming bottomless...oh wait, I already do.

I wish I had a teleport machine...like I should already have...for Christ's sake, it is the damn 21st century and all...so I could just teleport to the store to get a pack of smokes...and by the way, where the fuck is my flying car?

I wish there were no spiders...then my damn foot wouldn't be itching where I got bit.

I wish today was really Thursday...because I wouldn't be so cranky because the Bruins would be winning game one of the playoffs against the Habs.

I wish I had slept better last night...maybe I wouldn't be quite as cranky now as I am.

I wish I knew Judo...then I could give myself a freakin Judo Chop for being so cranky over a stupid fucking cigarette.

I wish I was Don Johnson...then I could be in the movie Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man and get shot in the arm and make a cool make-shift bandage from a red bandana...crap, just thought about cigarettes again.

Are We Ever Really Whole? You'd Better Believe It!

I'm not entirely sure why I'm actually taking the time to write...I've been away for so long that I'm not really sure that there's anyone left out there who's still attempting to find a new and uplifting entry to this collection of literary masterpieces. In the event that there are still some loyal readers left, the writing must go on.

The past few months have been a whirlwind of excitement. Alright, so that's a blatant lie...it's just the same old bullshit that seems to cycle around faster and more often than my washing machine. It's the same old story...get together with this guy, move in, break up, move out. Become a homeless vet the first weekend of the new year. Find a place to live. Decide to move out of state. Decide to stay where I am. Become a homeless vet for the 2nd time in February. Quit (1)job. Give notice to (1)job. Have appendix removed.

I've never so much as had to have a single stitch, cast, or had any need for anything larger than a band-aid, yet I now find myself minus a 3 and 1/2 inch section of my larger intestine. Since I never really thought about it being there, I don't really miss it, yet the 3" scar on my gut will forever remind me that there IS a piece of me missing. Isn't it always like that? We never realize what we have until it's gone. Then again, sometimes we never realize what we're missing until it comes around.

With that being said, I'm pretty sure that I've found a piece of me that I've been looking for my whole life. I always knew that it was out there somewhere, but being as this is a very large world, and there are so many places to look, and I've been to many, many, many places throughout the years, I had nearly given up hope of finding it. As I was about to embark on yet another journey in search of it, it happened to present itself to me in the last place that I would expect. Yet, as I was returning from vacation, there it was sitting in the TF Green airport parking lot waiting to bring me home. One lunch and one dinner later, I discovered that I'd found my missing piece. This piece is like no other I've tried before. I've tried so very unsuccessfully to make other pieces fit, like trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. No matter how hard you try, they just will never fit. He does.

I may be missing a little piece of me, but that's nothing compared to the peace I've found.