Something I can't explain is happening to me. I think it's been a gradual process, and one that is ultimately good, but makes me stop in my tracks and wonder out loud..."What the FUCK?".
I've mentioned before that although I really don't like to run, I've become a part time runner. I will run 5 miles a day 3-5 times per week and 2-4miles on the other days. I bought new running clothes, new sneakers, a new ipod, and even shelled out the 30 bucks for the Nike ipod thingamajig that goes in my sneaker and attaches to my ipod so I can track my workouts. For all you skeptics out there...it DOES keep me motivated.
After I finished my 5 mile run this morning, I found myself at the store purchasing Runners World Magazine. I am far from a professional runner, but am slowly turning into an avid one. So thumbing through the pages I got to thinking that maybe I should get a bike. Let me clarify...a bicycle. I am waging an inner battle right now as to the prudency of such a purchase.
Back in a day when I scoured a different land and had a much different shape (hey, round is a shape) I had decided to buy a bicycle. I worked about 5 miles from my home and the route I traveled every day to get there seemed pretty flat. I bought a bike, gathered some gear, and the next morning set out 30 minutes early for work. I pedaled about a quarter mile from the house, turned around, and went and got the car. I can't remember what the hell happened to that bike...
The bicycle has nothing to do with Hell, however. Over the last year or so I've had some friends who have expressed interest in running and training for marathons and crap. These girls deserve a lot of credit and respect as they have logged many miles and many road races. I have been invited to run a few of these races and mocked them the girls as well as the races. Of course, at that time I could barely run "out to the car" without dyin. Tonight, however, I think I was just persuaded to run my very first adult road race. Granted, it is only a 5k, but I agreed to this race without putting up very much of a fight at all. 5k is only 3.1 miles. Did you see that? ONLY 3.1 miles. As if now I laugh in the face of a mere 3 miles.
What the hell is this healthy kind of kick that's suddenly taken over my life? I don't smoke anymore, I run all the time, I cut back on drinking, I don't eat pretty much ANY junk food, when will this madness end? I'm kinda hoping never cuz I'm starting to feel pretty good.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Big Boobs Bounce No More!
This one goes out to all you big breasted broads out there who like to be active but end up knocking yourself nearly unconscious with your giant knockers. I have been amply endowed pretty much my whole life and have spent much of that time searching in vain for a good-keep-my-tits-from-bouncing-so-much-and-possibly-giving-me-a-black-eye sports bra. Well ladies...I've found it. Champion is the champion of sports bras for those of us with REAL tits. Big cups, straps that X in the back, underwire...I didn't feel like running this morning but I had just gotten my new bra in the mail the day before. Let me tell ya, these bad boys didn't go anywhere. B-e-a-utiful!
Which brings me to another point...I think all this running is making my boobies shrink a little (not that I'm complaining) but I can't lick my own nipple as well as I used to...
Which brings me to another point...I think all this running is making my boobies shrink a little (not that I'm complaining) but I can't lick my own nipple as well as I used to...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
We're Losing Sight of What's Real
Normally I don't watch any kind of bullshit afternoon shows. Dr. Phil is a crackpot, I don't give a shit about anyone that wants to get paid to air their dirty laundry in front of the whole world on those idiot judge shows, and if I wanted to sit around and listen to people bitch about how awful this world is and how screwed up people are I'd just call my friends Doom and Gloom and catch up with them! But today, today was a different sort of day. A day where I have realized that I am getting older and maybe a bit wiser.
Oprah. Yes, Oprah. Her show that I have so many times passed by, caught my eye today. Evidently, plastic surgery in China for a great many different self proclaimed "flaws" has been booming. The number 1 of course is the "westernization" of the Asian eye. I have to admit that on occasion I have thought about having this surgery myself. Though I no longer seriously entertain the idea of going under the knife just to have eyelids, I still think about it every now and again. Another surgery gaining popularity is leg lengthening. The bones below the knee are sawed in half and metal plates and screws are then placed between them and on the outside of the leg. Over a period of 6 months or so the screws are screwed and this somehow makes the leg longer. Recipients of this surgery not only gain 2-4" or so, but can continue to grow?!!?
Fat is being sucked out of thighs and butts and injected into lips and cheeks to contour the Asian face. Barbie has made her way to Shanghai and nearly all the little Chinese girls are smitten with Barbie and though they know they will never look exactly like Barbie, they've accepted the physical challenge to emulate her.
Many (non Asian) people may wonder why this is? People like my mother who thinks Asians are beautiful and exotic looking with their straight black hair and almond shaped eyes. Well, that's because you're not Asian. Try growing up like this.
My whole life I wanted to be blond, blue-eyed, and taller. The pretty white kids never got made fun of. Nobody ever walked up to them, pulled back the corners of their eyes and mocked some lousy Godzilla, no such language, Oriental kind of language at them. No one ever called them a chink, gook, charlie, fish head, Jap, or flat face. No one ever asked the pretty white girls to "say Me love you long time just once". No one ever accused my white counterparts of having a sideways pussy. Every single day of my life, sometimes several times a day, I'm asked, to my face, "So what are you?" or some variation of that. Where are you from? What nationality are you? (Which, for all the ignoranus' out there, you're actually referring to my ethnicity, I'm just sayin'). Most of the time I can laugh it off, cuz really, these conversations can be very entertaining.
Ignoranus: "So, where you from?" (not where ARE you from...)
Me: Massachusetts
Ignoranus: "No, where you FROM" (because changing the emphasis on a word will change the answer)
or
Ignoranus: "What nationality are you?"
Me: "American"
Ignoranus: "No you're not" (because you asked a question you already knew the answer to)
And I ramble...
...but back to the point I was trying to make in the first place.
We are willing to risk life and limb going under the knife so that we can look different and more acceptable to society. But who the fuck is so important in society that we have to listen to them anyway? Pretty, skinny, clear skin, shapely, big boobs, small nose, fat, whatever.
We have made ourselves so impressionable to the opinions of others we have begun to lose who we are. I say NO MORE! No more diet pills, diet sprinkles, prepackaged diet meals, diet shakes, lo fat diets, no carb diets, weigh this, measure that, this pill will possibly make you skinny but will definitely make your anus leak, that pill might help you shed a few pounds but will definitely make you shed many dollars.
This pill contains fish oil which will help your skin bones and memory... oh yeah, but we won't tell you that it also contains lethal amounts of PCBs too. (Oops, our bad.) Use this cream on your ass and the wrinkles on your face will go away. Use this salve on your face and cellulite on your ass will go away...
Enough is enough. I love me, I love who I am, and I'm lovin what I look like. I'm not entirely happy with the size/shape of my body, but hey, I did this to myself. So, I have to undo it myself. I quit smoking 17 days ago. I run 5 miles a day, 4 days a week. I run no less than 2 miles the other 2 days a week. I watch what I eat and I no longer listen to the multi gozillion dollar weight loss industry who has sucked up lots of my money but never gave me any satisfying results.
You are beautiful (unless you have a face not even your mother can love, then you're just fucked) at least on the inside. Be yourself, have fun, eat drink and be merry! God loves you the way you are and so do I!
The soap box is closed.
Oprah. Yes, Oprah. Her show that I have so many times passed by, caught my eye today. Evidently, plastic surgery in China for a great many different self proclaimed "flaws" has been booming. The number 1 of course is the "westernization" of the Asian eye. I have to admit that on occasion I have thought about having this surgery myself. Though I no longer seriously entertain the idea of going under the knife just to have eyelids, I still think about it every now and again. Another surgery gaining popularity is leg lengthening. The bones below the knee are sawed in half and metal plates and screws are then placed between them and on the outside of the leg. Over a period of 6 months or so the screws are screwed and this somehow makes the leg longer. Recipients of this surgery not only gain 2-4" or so, but can continue to grow?!!?
Fat is being sucked out of thighs and butts and injected into lips and cheeks to contour the Asian face. Barbie has made her way to Shanghai and nearly all the little Chinese girls are smitten with Barbie and though they know they will never look exactly like Barbie, they've accepted the physical challenge to emulate her.
Many (non Asian) people may wonder why this is? People like my mother who thinks Asians are beautiful and exotic looking with their straight black hair and almond shaped eyes. Well, that's because you're not Asian. Try growing up like this.
My whole life I wanted to be blond, blue-eyed, and taller. The pretty white kids never got made fun of. Nobody ever walked up to them, pulled back the corners of their eyes and mocked some lousy Godzilla, no such language, Oriental kind of language at them. No one ever called them a chink, gook, charlie, fish head, Jap, or flat face. No one ever asked the pretty white girls to "say Me love you long time just once". No one ever accused my white counterparts of having a sideways pussy. Every single day of my life, sometimes several times a day, I'm asked, to my face, "So what are you?" or some variation of that. Where are you from? What nationality are you? (Which, for all the ignoranus' out there, you're actually referring to my ethnicity, I'm just sayin'). Most of the time I can laugh it off, cuz really, these conversations can be very entertaining.
Ignoranus: "So, where you from?" (not where ARE you from...)
Me: Massachusetts
Ignoranus: "No, where you FROM" (because changing the emphasis on a word will change the answer)
or
Ignoranus: "What nationality are you?"
Me: "American"
Ignoranus: "No you're not" (because you asked a question you already knew the answer to)
And I ramble...
...but back to the point I was trying to make in the first place.
We are willing to risk life and limb going under the knife so that we can look different and more acceptable to society. But who the fuck is so important in society that we have to listen to them anyway? Pretty, skinny, clear skin, shapely, big boobs, small nose, fat, whatever.
We have made ourselves so impressionable to the opinions of others we have begun to lose who we are. I say NO MORE! No more diet pills, diet sprinkles, prepackaged diet meals, diet shakes, lo fat diets, no carb diets, weigh this, measure that, this pill will possibly make you skinny but will definitely make your anus leak, that pill might help you shed a few pounds but will definitely make you shed many dollars.
This pill contains fish oil which will help your skin bones and memory... oh yeah, but we won't tell you that it also contains lethal amounts of PCBs too. (Oops, our bad.) Use this cream on your ass and the wrinkles on your face will go away. Use this salve on your face and cellulite on your ass will go away...
Enough is enough. I love me, I love who I am, and I'm lovin what I look like. I'm not entirely happy with the size/shape of my body, but hey, I did this to myself. So, I have to undo it myself. I quit smoking 17 days ago. I run 5 miles a day, 4 days a week. I run no less than 2 miles the other 2 days a week. I watch what I eat and I no longer listen to the multi gozillion dollar weight loss industry who has sucked up lots of my money but never gave me any satisfying results.
You are beautiful (unless you have a face not even your mother can love, then you're just fucked) at least on the inside. Be yourself, have fun, eat drink and be merry! God loves you the way you are and so do I!
The soap box is closed.
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