Only people with turrets will be allowed to be newscasters, sports announcers, and TV personalities.
All midgets will have to dress like the original Oompa Loompahs...with mullets.
Male enhancement products will actually work.
Anyone over the age of 60 will have to take a driving test every year to renew their license.
If you are over the age of 75...no more driving for you!
Speed limits will only be guidelines.
Hover rounds will have a weight limit. Walk, don't sit.
People defined as minorities in the state of Massachusetts will actually have to work a real job.
There will be no such thing as Section 8, Welfare, WIC, or handouts of any kind.
Being rude to your waitress or bartender and/or not leaving a tip will be punishable by death.
At least half of all movies will have an unhappy ending.
Prisoners will no longer be allowed 3 hots a day, free education, cable TV, parole, etc. They will work...a lot.
Anyone caught harming a child will be put to death immediately.
Obese persons will no longer be able to staple their stomachs...they will be put on a strict regiment of diet and exercise.
Rigorous testing will be undergone by anyone claiming to be bipolar, or claiming to suffer from PMDD.
Wealth will be distributed evenly among the population...but only if the IQ and common sense criteria are met.
If you are deemed an asshole, prick, threat to humanity, cunt, whore, dick, prick, bitch, or moron you will be sent to the moon.
Pharmaceutical companies will be forced to share the cure for diseases.
Couples who want to get married will have to go to counseling and therapy for 1 year prior to tying the knot.
Couples who want to have children will have to meet minimum IQ standards, genetic testing, and common sense testing prior to procreating.
Twinkies and Hostess Cupcakes will have twice as much cream filling.
Peppermintstick ice cream will be available in the grocery store...for $1.00
Credit card companies will pay YOU to have a charge account.
When you call said credit companies, you will speak to a representative who speaks English.
In English speaking countries, English will be spoken and written by everyone...ALL the time. If you want to speak a different language you will be required to live in that country.
If you press 2 for Espanol, as soon as it is put to the ear it will explode and cave your skull in.
Teachers, fire fighters, police officers, and ALL under appreciated professions will be paid more than CEOs, bankers, and politicians.
McDonald's will go back to making their fries with trans fat oils so they'll taste better.
Cell phones will work everywhere, except the car, at a register, in a restaurant, or in the movie theater.
I will have season tickets, on the glass, to the Bruins...and they will win the Stanley Cup.
Beer Pong and Stump will replace Badminton and Table Tennis in the Olympics.
The Harlem Globetrotters will lose to the Washington Generals.
The 40 Party will be declared a National Holiday.
Oreo Cookie pudding shots will be available in shake form at all drive thru's.
Marijuana will be legal.
Every Christmas will be a white Christmas.
I will take a nap every afternoon.
No one will scold me for slurping my spaghetti.
Hubba Bubba will make it's original recipe kick ass gum again.
I will go to bed before 3am.
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2 comments:
that totally rocked!!!!!
Wait, just to make sure I'm totally clear here: I don't have to work a real job, right? I'll speak English and tip bartenders all day as long as I don't have to work. It's not really my thing.
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