I Wish...

I wish I had a cigarette...for some reason I've decided to quit smoking. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but 36 hours later I think I might have been out of my gourd because I'm currently going out of my gourd.

I wish I wasn't so cranky right now...but I really wish I had a cigarette and I don't and I'm trying so very hard not to go buy some because...oh yeah, I evidently don't smoke as of 36 hours ago...Double-Dumbass on me.

I wish I had more money...but I don't because I may have acted a little bit irrationally and quit all my jobs and then was out of work for 2 weeks because I had my appendix removed.

I wish I had Vicoden instead of Percocet...because Vicoden has a more calming effect on me, though the Percs actually dull the pain of my missing piece.

I wish it was April 15th already...because then I could buy 1 Big Mac and get the 2nd Big Mac for only 1 penny.

I wish I had a Friendly's Ice Cream Sunday with peanut butter and extra extra extra almonds...because the Oreo Cookie frappe I just made didn't cut it.

I wish I could run into some pirates...then I could justifiably blow someone's fucking head off!

I wish I was a hippopotamus...then I could go swimming bottomless...oh wait, I already do.

I wish I had a teleport machine...like I should already have...for Christ's sake, it is the damn 21st century and all...so I could just teleport to the store to get a pack of smokes...and by the way, where the fuck is my flying car?

I wish there were no spiders...then my damn foot wouldn't be itching where I got bit.

I wish today was really Thursday...because I wouldn't be so cranky because the Bruins would be winning game one of the playoffs against the Habs.

I wish I had slept better last night...maybe I wouldn't be quite as cranky now as I am.

I wish I knew Judo...then I could give myself a freakin Judo Chop for being so cranky over a stupid fucking cigarette.

I wish I was Don Johnson...then I could be in the movie Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man and get shot in the arm and make a cool make-shift bandage from a red bandana...crap, just thought about cigarettes again.