Garbage Drinking Should Come with a Warning Label

Last Sunday PDogg,714 and I went out for sushi and drinks at our favorite local sushi joint. It was just supposed to be dinner, a couple of drinks, and some chatter. What it turned into was an absolute shit show, well, for me anyway. I started the night off with a Cucumber vodka/saki martini with a splash of soda. One word. Yuck. As you may remember I'm a whiskey girl but every now and again I try to branch out and try something new. Bad idea. I decided to move on so had 2(ish) glasses of wine with the magical sushi. We all enjoyed dinner, paid our $95.00 tab and went to the watering hole to roll the dice. One shot of Dr. McGillicuddy's and 3 rolls of the dice. Off to Tony's. 2 Espresso martinis, 2 shots of whatever-the-fuck-that-is-red-and-kinda-fruity-I-think, and a conversation with a married couple who's husband is fucking his wife's friend because the wife's friend just found out her husband is gay and what do you think of that? My reply (only slightly slurred): "I'm gonna see you guys on Cold Case Files in like 5 years cuz one of ya's gonna get shot, chopped up into little bits and stuffed in a 55 gallon drum and they're gonna find you in some storage unit in Florida or some shit. Don't you guys know that threesomes never work? I think it's a recipe for disaster." Exit Tony's.

714 is basically a social smoker and usually smokes when she hangs out with me, what can I say, I'm a bad influence. We decide to stop at the 7-11 up the street. Now this 7-11 has been there for several years and in those several years I've been there several times. There is, in my defence, a new intersection in front of it now. The light turns green, I take a left, only I'm headed towards the wrong side of the island. Stupid fucking island. My co-pilots enthusiastically let me know so I do the natural thing and swerve, just a little then careen around a parked semi and into the parking lot where I park and begin fiddling around with the radio.

PDogg: "Uh, DelicateFlower, there's a cop behind you."
Me: Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle
PDogg: "There's a cop behind you."
Me: Fiddle, fiddle, hmmm, fiddle
PDogg: "THERE'S A COP BEHIND YOU!"
Me: "Oh, that's okay, we're parked."

Now, mind you, we are in a jeep with the top off. I look to my left and there the ociffer stands in the typical ociffer stance, feet shoulder width apart, arms folded, staring with his little beady eyes. Alright, in all fairness I don't THINK he had beady little eyes, mine were pretty slanted at the time so they just LOOKED smaller than normal. Anyway, so here's how THAT conversation went (or at least how I remember it).

Ociffer: "You know you were driving erratically back there."
Me: "Yeah, that's becuz there's a new intersection and I didn't see the island there and was going to be going down the street the wrong way."
Ociffer: "Have you been drinking tonight?"
Me: "I had A beer" (to myself: a list of all the other shit I had been drinking, but decided that in truth I HAD had only 1 (or 3) beers before I met the girls)
Me: "You need to see my license?"
Ociffer: "Yes."

He takes it and looks at it. He looks at me but says nothing.

Me: "You need to see my registration?"
Ociffer: "Yes."

He takes it and looks at it.

Ociffer: "This your vehicle?"

My inner voice, which blessedly remained INNER: "Is my name on the registration jackass?" Which, by the way, it isn't.

Me: "Well, kinda"
PDogg: "IT'S KINDA A SORE SUBJECT!"

714 now enters stage right, sees the cop talking to me and says, "Ohhh what'd I miss?"


Ociffer: "So where're you girls coming from?"
Me: "Tony's."
(Damn, slap on my head, you NEVER tell the cops where the fuck you're REALLY coming from, I KNOW that but that's how fucking buzzed I was. Goddamn truth serem!)

PDogg: "I'm okay to drive!"

As if the ociffer didn't ALREADY suspect that I was NOT okay to drive, thank you peanut gallery for re-enforcing the suspicion.

Ociffer, looking into the back seat to PDogg: "Why don't you have your seatbelt on?"
PDogg: "I did back there!" She points to the infamous intersection where this whole Ociffer/DelicateFlower/PDogg/714 party began.
Ociffer to PDogg: "You need to put it on now." She complies.

Ociffer to me: "You think you could put your cigarette out without burning me or littering?"

I comply by field stripping my butt and setting it on the dash.

Ociffer, looking into the jeep. "Where do you put all your other cigarettes? Where's your ashtray?"

Me:"I field strip them, sir, and new cars don't come with ashtrays anymore, you have to pay $35.00 extra for them."

I have no idea what an ashtray for a car costs. I have no idea where I got the exact price of $35.00, but it sounded good at the moment. I am also thinking to myself, man, I'm BUZZED!

Ociffer: "Why are you girls out on a Sunday night anyway?"

Now, I'm not sure, but I don't recall there being a curfew for 3 women in their 30's on a Sunday night. It wasn't even past 10, I don't think.

PDogg: "She's getting deployed!"
Ociffer: "You're in the military?"
Me: "Yes."
Ociffer: "You have your military ID on you?"
Me: "Of course. Do ya wanna see it?"
Ociffer: "Yes"

I fiddle some more, grab my military ID and hand it to him. In the same nanosecond I snatch it back out of his hand.

Me: "Oops, sorry, that's my LLBean card."

I hand him the right piece of plastic.

He looks at me, hands back all my stuff...I'm not sure if he said anything after that. I suppose there HAS to have been some kind of "drive safe" or "be careful" but I really don't recall that. I DO recall driving out of the parking lot to the sound of peals of laughter coming from the jeep. God, I hope HE didn't hear it!

This is where the fork in the road was. This is where most normal people would have just gone home. This is where it gets even MORE hazy. Because this is where we decided to go to the next place and have 4 Bubblegum Bombs and 3 beers.

The next day I got up for work and was sicker than I've ever been after a night of drinking. I puked my guts out long enough and hard enough that I really thought that I'd given myself a hernia. I even checked to see if I could feel any of my guts spilling out of places they shouldn't spill out of.

Either I'm too old to drink like that, or I need to drink like that more often but either way I rejoice and yet I weep that every Sunday can't be like that one.