Darkness Lurks in Even the Brightest Heart

Somewhere deep in the annals of our minds we hold secrets not only for ourselves, but for the others we encounter. These are secret hopes and dreams for those we call our friends and acquaintances, and for the most part, they are all rainbows and butterflies. On occasion, however, these secrets find their way out of the darkest parts of the human heart, which can at times, be the scariest place ever to exist.

Sometimes it is the lack of understanding of my fellow human beings that unleashes the darkness, but on this particular occasion it was multiple shots of Jack. What a fucking surprise. (Every encounter that Jack and I have always leads to no good and down paths better left untraveled. That being said, I know better than to drink JD at all, he falls in the same box as Jose, yet over the last week Jack has lured me into his confidences and I've let myself be led astray.) I cannot pinpoint whether it was the 4th or 5th shot that put me over the edge, but somewhere at the 4th and a half shot I found myself angry. No, that's not quite right, I was mad, just plain mad, madder than I'd been in a long time, and I have no idea why. Usually one gets mad at someone or something, or some situation, but not this girl...I evidently just get mad for no particular reason. (Alright, well that's not entirely true, but I really couldn't think of a good reason to be as mad as I was.) Over the next few hours, while I should have been in bed, Jack and I continued our journey into the darkness.

It was during this journey that my anger and madness turned into fury and rage. It was as if the gates of hell had opened up and Satan's minions had been unleashed in my heart. Every disappointment I'd ever experienced, every slight I'd been on the receiving end of, every (bad) relationship now past, every ended friendship, every person who turned out not to be the person I thought they'd be, every lie I've ever been told, every lie I've ever told, every job I have, every drunk I deal with, the basic depravity of people in general, every dream that died along the way, every life I've taken, every life taken from me, and every doubt about myself all came to the surface. Jack and I struggled with these things for hours until sadly, even he had to go.

It would be a gross misconception to say that I actually took anything from this experience. I could say that Jack and I will never have another rendezvous, I could say that I worked through all these things and vanquished all the demons...but that would be all lies. I did, however, come to one or two realizations. First, it has been reconfirmed that I have a close reign on on my rage, and it will almost certainly never get the best of me, thus the rest of the world will almost certainly never be exposed to it. Second, Jack is really not my friend. Sure, we have a great time together...we are both all about wreaking havoc everywhere...but he's one of those friends who brings out the worst in me and should be reduced in status to that of a mere acquaintance.

I used to believe that making the best of every situation built character, then I decided I have enough fucking character and that these situations don't actually build your character, they reveal it. Character isn't just about the ability to see the bright side of things, but to acknowledge, accept, and embrace the darkness within. I used to believe that every person is different and should be judged on his own accord, by his own words and actions, then I realized the patterns of behavior and the diarrhea of the mouth that showed me that most people are the same and there are only a select few who are individuals. The latter of the two groups of people are really the only ones who deserve any kind of time and consideration from my life, and they are more rare than I ever imagined. I used to believe that the darkest place in my heart was small and buried deep, then I discovered that while it lurks just beneath the surface, ready to devour the rainbows and butterflies, it thankfully only rears its powerful head but now and again.